I’m alive… pretty much

Crawling back to normal…

Grief is a funny thing. It’s so complex and sneaks up on you in the weirdest moments. I thought I’d gone through my tough times years ago when I lost my partner but I guess life wasn’t done fucking with me. It’s ok though. Even though I wasn’t sure we’d come out of it, we did. Minus a few dearly beloved family members but we’re slowly crawling back to normal. We’re changed though, by what we saw and went through.

I’m humbled and awed by the support I’ve received. It’s so incredibly hard to respond at times so please know it’s not that I don’t appreciate the letters, emails, replies, texts, and messages. Sometimes all you can do is read them and know you’re not alone. But it’s hard to respond when you think about what to say. I stayed strong for the most part but after things settled down it’s when the wave of emotion really hit. When it’s safe and ok to break down.

Anyway I don’t really want to depress anyone and it’s a new year with supposedly all better things. So onto the books!

I’m trying to get back into reading. I haven’t picked up a book in so long that I started re-reading old favorites of any genre. This helps but I’m itching for something new. Of course that also means that I start a new book and can’t stand it within 30 pages and pitch it. My tolerance and willingness to give books a chance right now is pretty low. That will come around so in the meantime I have to be more selective about my choices.

In the past I would choose books totally at random. Lots of readers say they’re careful in their choices but not me. I routinely chose books based on cover art alone, author name, and random details. Such as I wanted to read a contemporary book so I would choose a book at random from DSP that was contemporary. As you can imagine this has not always been successful and I’ve learned to stay away from new authors from certain publishers. But I still would most likely read the new offerings from Loose Id or Samhain, though I kind of stay away from the latter these days. This means I may actually *deep breath* have to read friggin excerpts.

What is the world coming to!

Unless of course people just want to do my work for me and tell me which are the good books lately. *hint* (I learned that trick from Kris)

Anyway what I really want to say is thank you all for the support. I really don’t have enough words to say how invaluable it’s been. I’m slowly crawling my way out of a deep, deep, dark hole but I do see normalcy ahead. Or what I’m coming to think of as the new normal.

Funny enough some things don’t change in this insane community and that’s almost a comfort knowing there is a clusterfuck somewhere.

14 thoughts on “I’m alive… pretty much

  1. Tam says:

    Welcome back. I’m always terrified to recommend books because if you hate it I’ll feel guilty. 🙂 Old favourites are not bad and you’re right, somethings never change, drama comes and goes with regularity.

    Hugs and glad to see you back.

  2. I want to give you a bear hug, hug you some more and then drink a margarita with you and talk life! Its good to hear you’re getting up and around again but take care of yourself!!
    I hope you find some good reads! I haven’t read much m/m either so I can rec you little to nothing 😦

  3. Welcome back! I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I am sure it will take a while to get back in the swing of things, but I am glad you are feeling a bit better.

    If there is anything I can do for you don’t hesitate to ask. I am happy to tell you what to read (I am good and bossy that way!), lol.


  4. Tamara says:

    I know how dark and deep those holes can get and I’m so glad you’re feeling a little better. Funnily enough, I know just what you mean by the comforting clusterfuck. 🙂

  5. Oh I’m glad you’re back and starting to feel a little better. I’ve been thinking about you quite a lot recently and was glad when I saw this post.

    I have no books to recommend at the moment. I’ve been just like you in that I have several books where I’ve read the first 30 or so pages and then given up – at least three of which I’m supposed to be reviewing. I’m just not in the right place for reading a longer book. Thankfully my main love at the moment is Brief Encounters Reviews and I only have to read shorts for that. Ah, there you go, that might be a solution. Read some short stories. It may just get your reading mojo back and you can then tackle a longer book. We’ve been really liking the tiny shorts from Less Than Three Press and they would be perfect for a bite of a story before bed or at lunch.

  6. Welcome back. I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time lately. I don’t know anything about it really but from your post above, it sounds like things have been awful for you. So, hugs your way.

    As for books, Chris’ rec has reminded my why I bought Shattered Glass myself and I will have to move it up the queue.

    Have you read Paper Planes by M. Jules Aedin? Or, if you want a very short but amusing read, you could try Batteries Not Included by JL Merrow. Another one I read fairly recently which was very good was Cop Out by KC Burn.

    Hope things continue to pick up. 🙂

  7. Janna says:

    So glad to see you’re back and feeling a little better. You have been in my thoughts a lot the past weeks. (((hugs)))
    I think Jen has a good point, short stories might help you get back your reading mojo. I thought Possibilities by Kaje Harper was pretty good for example.

  8. Hugs and white light and prayers! I know, from personal experience, that it’s when the dust settles that things can go from bad to *really* bad – you’re out of that first burst of emotion and now you can really think and process and… Well. The people who love you totally understand that sometimes you have to just take in the love, and you don’t have the energy to respond. And you have so many people you don’t even know (lurkers like me) who are sending all that good stuff your way…


  9. *hugs* Glad there are a few rays of sun peeping in.

    I finished Shattered Glass (Dani Alexander) yesterday and that’s the book I’d recommend 🙂

  10. *Hugs* I’ve been taking a blog holiday the last couple of months so I could get more writing done, so I didn’t realise you’d been absent this long. I hope things continue to get brighter for you as the year progresses.

    I’ve just really enjoyed The Starving Years from reliable old JCP. Not sure what else… I could send you my next novel if you’re interested 🙂

    Jo x

  11. I’m so glad to see you back. I spotted you over on Goodreads and I came running over to see how you were doing. I am so sorry life has been giving you such a hard time. Trust me, I get it. It’s funny, but I do the exact same thing when I hit those tough spots… I throw stuff away. It’s like I need to be free of things. I think that’s why Hoarders horrifies me so much… it’s like being trapped in all the moments that need to be left behind. Well, I’m glad to see you back.

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