According to my mom…I’m being stalked.

According to my mom, I’ve been stalked by a mountain lion for over a decade.

Let me begin by explaining a bit about my mom. She’s my best friend, my role model and someone I admire tremendously. I think she’s perfect (even when she’s not) and the greatest accomplishment I could achieve in life is to be like my mom. She’s highly educated (a doctor), extremely intelligent, very rational and level headed. She’s the person we ALL look to in a crisis and we all compete to impress. I’m not exaggerating when I say my siblings and I have fought for my mom’s affection and attention all our lives. Yet she has a few quirks.

For instance, ever since I turned 18 and went to college, she’s been convinced that a mountain lion has been stalking me.

This mountain lion is incredibly savvy and sly. It’s never attacked, never left evidence of it’s existence, never even been sighted. But my mom *knows* it’s there. She’s absolutely convinced it’s just waiting to get me alone to kill me.

Not that it hasn’t had ample opportunity.

Said ML has been following me city to city, state to state, country to country as I’ve moved across the US and Europe. It apparently is always there no matter what I do and where I go. It follows me 24/7, 365. It never leaves me. It’s just waiting, constantly.

Now this may seem like a long running family joke if it weren’t for the fact that no matter how irrational or silly, my mom is serious. She’s deathly afraid I’m going to die to a ML attack.

I recently emailed the family boasting about my biking prowess and immediately my mom called to ask me how many pepper sprays and weapons I carry with me when biking. I felt really guilty when I admitted I had only taken my car keys and cell phone on that trip.

I know she’s right. I mean, mountain lions aside, there are other dangers that are very real and pepper spray is a must. But she wants me to carry three (one for a fanny pack, one for the bike pack, and a back up in my shoe.) She also wants me to carry a baton and a pocketknife. Multiple ones for the same locations as above. Somehow I’m supposed to have an arsenal in my shoe.

She’s also stressed now about my dog, because how does the dog factor into the mountain lion attack? Will the ML attack me, forgoing the dog? Or will the dog be attacked? Apparently if I bike with another person, say my boyfriend, the mountain lion doesn’t like the odds and is unlikely to attack.

However there is light at the end of this long running tunnel. Apparently a mountain lion has been spotted in New Hampshire so I’m safe. I guess there is only one mountain lion in the US and if it’s stalking her then it can’t be stalking me.

I wonder if our family is the only one to have a personal, stalking mountain lion.

If not, watch out. I hear they’re vicious.

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9 thoughts on “According to my mom…I’m being stalked.

  1. Tam says:

    Perhaps she meant a cougar, in which case stay away from older women hanging around bars near college campuses. Oh, better, it’s a were-ML and your one true love and he’s just waiting for the mating scent to be just right. Beware ovulation. 🙂

    That is … unusual. My grandmother seems to think my ex and I will get back together, which also falls in the realm of things that will never happen in my lifetime, similar to you being attacked by a mountain lion while at home. They’re so pretty though.

    • Oh wow I never even considered the were-ML. Now that takes on a WHOLE new meaning. I’m not sure if I’m excited or terrified. I wonder if it’s one of those weres with the barbed dicks. Then I want nothing to do with it. Not sure how I’d know until it’s too late though. Hmm.

      Sometimes it’s better just to humor them while rolling your eyes to the next room.

      They are so pretty. If it’s a were, it’d be cute.

  2. Janna says:

    Ohmy, that’s quite some motherly concern! Did her instincts ever give reason to take them serious in other cases? 😉

    Our family doesn’t have a ML that I know of. Fortunately, I think… Although I agree with Tam that they are pretty.

    • My mom has great instincts (yes I realize the irony). Sometimes she gets a mite concerned about her offspring but that’s usually when she’s been watching Dateline too much.

      They are very pretty. I guess if I have to be mauled and eaten, it’s not so bad?

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