I love you or not?


In the realm of m/m romance, there are an unending list of do’s and don’ts. Most of these stem from real or made up ideas of reality. For example, anyone who visits this blog regularly knows that I just hate the whole stacks of white hand towels by the bed thing. I mean, who does that?! Seriously if you do, please step up and I’ll immediately shut up about this.

However I’m also seeing in reviews when readers claim that the men fell in love too fast. They had sex, it’s not love!

But, isn’t it?

Now not to insult anyone, but I know a few men who really do feel the whole sex=relationship idea. I’m sure there are equal number of men who say sex =/ any kind of relationship but it makes me wonder why this is such an issue in m/m fiction.

I actually think this is one of the closer ideas to truth than the hand towel (yes that again).

To find out the truth, I consulted the Cocktease who is known to have spies in every sector and is the all knowing computer of all things. In this case, I was assured that actually yes, gay men are known to fall in love based on great sex and that’s it.

I do think that to stay together for an extended time, there has to be SOMETHING besides great sex. Especially when you consider in fiction one guy is usually an asshole, a criminal, has a rigid homophobic family, a psycho ex-wife, crazy fag hag, etc – the list could go on. When one guy (or both) has baggage, great sex can’t be the only answer. Don’t forget to factor in that fiction tends to exaggerate concepts of reality on purpose too. After all readers want to relate to the story but often reality is nowhere as enjoyable as fiction.

So, is it true?

Do you require more connection between your men because it suits your idea of romance, or you think it’s more realistic?
Do you think two men who fall for each other because of great sex aren’t really in love?

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8 thoughts on “I love you or not?

  1. That’s what happens when you get women writing romance for other women. From our perspective, if two people sleep together, it’s because there’s a deep emotional connection there that, if not love, is headed that way.
    Men? They just wanna get off.
    *runs*

  2. Personally, I’m a beliver in love at first sight. Sometimes there is just an instant connection and chemistry. If they then proceed to have great sex, well that’s just going to convince them that they are right. As long as the author can make me believe these two people are in love I don’t care if it happens in a flash of lightning or gradually over years.
    That doesn’t mean I think that love at first sight is going to lead to happy ever after. It might break down just as fast, it could be a fleeting passion. There’re all kinds of love and all kinds of relationships and all kinds of people. Some men are incurable romantics. Generalities can only be applied to broad groups, not individuals.

  3. A few years ago, I did some co-writing with a gay man, and he was the one who often threw in the “I love you”s right after the first time a couple had sex. Based on that, and other observations (like, oh, my male partner of twelve years, who professed his love after our first time together), I think men do fall in love very quickly.
    On the other hand, a writer has to show that happening, so the reader will believe it.

    • See I think a lot of women think Men don’t fall in love that quickly (I’m guessing, and generalizing in a huge way). I think thats why they need an author to go to such lengths to show the emotional connection.
      But it is interesting to see that some think men can fall in love so quickly. That its not just a bad idea.

  4. Generalizations, of course, but a while back, I read a survey that found a majority of straight male repondants would be more hurt if their female partner had a sex-based affair with no emotional attachment than if she had an emotional affair with no sex. The straight women surveyed felt the opposite about their male partners.
    This makes me believe, and my personal experience backs it up, that whatever the stereotypes about women wanting love and men wanting sex, women are actually much more likely to make a distinction between love and sex. With men, they tend to be more intrinsically linked.
    All that to say I can definitely see a lot of men being more likely to fall in love based on a sexual experience, since a lot of them don’t make as firm a distinction between the two as a lot of women.

    • I think you hit the nail right there with that great comment. I think men link sex and love thus in m/m fiction, its not surprising that a gay man having great sex is going to want to stay with that person. Why look around? Women may need more emotional connection and a longer set up to the “i love yous” but I do think some men are good when the sex is great. One leads to the other.
      Great points and it makes for some interesting reading I think!

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