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Now, I don’t like to write bad or snarky reviews. I prefer to well, like, the books I’m reading and it’s rare I’ve come across a book so horrible I ask, is the author on crack? Sure I may not like this or that, but for almost every book I dislike I can usually understand why the book got published and usually even bad authors have big followings. However, putting that aside, I seriously questioned for hours after reading this spectacularly bad piece of … fiction…
Loose Id… what were you thinking? Seriously. No one stopped this and said "boy, this reads worse than a bad porno." Who edited this and thought "yanno, there IS a market for people with dicks described as small elephants."
I’m so astonished at how bad this is. So…read on at your risk.
Zachary Zangel’s On the Way to the Wedding
Blurb:
If Erik and David were Tofutti, David would be vanilla swirled with pistachio and Erik would definitely be cherry vanilla — but not for long. Erik’s divorced with a six year-old son. He’s also gay and a gay sex virgin. He knows nothing about how men love each other…until he meets David.
Erik might be new, but he’s eager to learn. Top, bottom, it makes no difference; he loves it all. And David is more than happy to be his teacher, from the basics to the not so basic. Then they run across a flight attendant who entices them into their first three-way, for educational purposes, of course. Next comes a group of frolickers at a gay guesthouse whose activities convince Erik that joining in may be more fun than being monogamous.
Of course, there’s the proverbial monkey wrench. Erik’s ex-wife objects to their son being around a gay couple. But you never know what’s going to happen — on the way to a wedding.
[This is a deceptively good cover. But it’s a lie.]
Review:
I thought about writing a complete review for this but really, I don’t want to put more effort in than the author did so I’m going to use his style and give an outline of the relationship with relevant quotes. I have tried as much as possible not to add additional commentary. I don’t think I’ve ever known on page 6 that I would loathe a book before.
Erik and David meet in a department store and decide to go to dinner with the upfront knowledge that there will be sex immediately after. They managed to make it through dinner by copiously groping each other, which then begins their relationship. They do make it back to the apartment before David begins to educate the closeted Erik.
“I pulled off the few almost-invisible hairs stuck to my lips, then stood, kissed him, and snowballed. And that’s how he discovered the taste appeal of cum.”
The next night after their first "date", Erik introduces David to his son as Erik’s boyfriend and they go on a family outing. By the end of the outing, David is in love with both father and son. Here’s an example of Erik’s son, ten year old Little Rik using his words at the movies when an older pair complained about a child at a Russian sub-titled film.
Disgusted, Little Rik turned around and said, “First of all, I’m not Chinese. I’m half Korean. I can so read, thank you very much. Probably better than you can. How dare you question my intelligence, you dolts? You’ve got a lot of nerve. And I was trained properly in good manners, so if I did get restless, you’d never know it. Humph. Stupid bitches, both of you.”
I looked around for somewhere to hide from embarrassment, but the women pretended to have heard not a word. Erik, meanwhile, gazing out into space, ignored it all.
I knew it wasn’t up to me to correct him, but Erik hadn’t, and I felt uncomfortable. “Little Rik,” I admonished, “you shouldn’t…”
“But they started it, sir.”
I couldn’t argue with that, so I let it drop.
The parenting was overwhelming in this book. By the third hook up or "date", Erik and David openly grope each other at the opera and decide they are monogamous. Erik has also nicknamed their "meat" "bob and boing".
10 days from the start of their relationship and 2 days from becoming monogamous, Erik brings David home to meet the parents, who want David to call them Mom and Dad. Oh and Dad sits on the bed with his naked "sons" while they discuss how much they fucked the night before. Thankfully Dad didn’t mind the hyena braying that is his son in the throes of orgasm. He’s just glad the two are having a good time.
Thank god the Swedish have no hangups about sex like the ultra conservative Americans. But even though the men are declaring their undying love and so forth, David just can’t resist a married man’s “thick, piece of junk”. However, David displays some amnesia and rationalizes it because:
All I could think about Erik. But I told myself, I haven’t made any commitment to him. We’re dating, but neither of us has said anything about being exclusive. So why shouldn’t I? When opportunity knocks…
Moving on, less than a week after the cheating incident, David and Erik are engaged, wanting to move in together and have a ceremony to symbolize their lasting commitment. Good thing Erik doesn’t know David is enjoying snowballing with others. But not to worry, David is there to teach our virgin but hairy gay boy about tea bagging with “giant hairy nads the size of freakin’ turkey balls” on the night of their engagement.
Now, this was all in the first 60 pages of the book, which totals 170 pages. I was starting to majorly fatigue on the abundance of bad writing but I persevered.
In the remainder of the book, David comes clean about cheating but Erik gets over it after a few days. They then regularly get together in a threesome with a nearby flight attendant because David clearly likes variety. The book has a lengthy aside were Erik’s shrew ex-wife forces both men to grovel at her feet for her approval of their marriage; they beg, months later she approves. But the stress of the marriage forces the men to run off to a gay resort where they meet Erik’s boss and have an orgy.
Here is when David drags Erik over to meet Charlie, Erik’s boss, at the gay resort thereby outing both Erik and Charlie to each other:
“But Charlie recovered quickly enough to smile, shake hands with me, and put his arm around Erik’s shoulder. And to introduce both of us to Mikey.
“Mikey isn’t my boyfriend,” Charlie said, “but I wish he was. He’s a firecracker. Sucks dick like you wouldn’t believe and takes my big one up the ass like a pro.”
If only we all had bosses like that. But once again, don’t worry because gay guys on vacation have orgies and Bob and Boing, attached to our intrepid heroes who are ready to play. And play they do. However, as much fun as that was, the duo head back to New York to find out Erik’s ex-wife decides she can’t find any good men so she gets herself a girlfriend and the men skip their own wedding, calling an hour after they were supposed to show up and said it was too stressful, they eloped on the beach.
“Just as I was telling him how much I loved him, he delivered a massive load of cum, not onto my chest or face, not into my mouth, but over my head, going splat in the sand.”
This went splat a long time before that. I may have nightmares about some of it.
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I wavier between incredulity, laughter, and anger that this was published along side such books as St. Nacho’s, Ghost Who Wore Yellow Socks, Lovers Dreamers and Me and many other quality novels. This is marketed as an erotic contemporary and it is far from either. There are so many clichés, stereotypes, ignorance and flat out BAD writing, I want to laugh and then burn the book.
Do not buy it. This is a bad porno mockery.
three am 